Eve vs Velcroed

I have gone through most of my life thinking I was beautiful.

This is due, in most part, to my mother, the only person I trusted entirely, telling me, repeatedly, since I was about 5 years old, that I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I believed her. Without debate, without question.

I also believed that old adage that, when I got to a datable age, I would “be beating them off with a stick,” that they would “be lined up at the door.” It was a few years after her death that I discovered that these were, in fact, common utterances—verbatim—to young girls by their mothers all over the maritime provinces and, I suspect, all over North America.

My body has always been beautiful, I know that—Mr BMI tells me I’m perfect, and I believe that. I BELIEVE THAT. But this question of facial beauty—well, that’s a bit trickier.

I stumbled upon this website [beautycheck], which documents a very interesting and one of the most famous studies in facial aesthetics. The following two pictures are computer composites demonstrating what are, possibly, the most possibly beautiful of human faces. For details on the project, go to the site. Very interesting. Anyway, here they are.





So I’ve been thinking a lot about beauty, and how I measure up, and how others perceive me. Regarding my physicality, I’ve been the subject of relentless pursuit, blatant rejection, and indifference. I have often asked my friends and family to tell me, as objectively as possible, how attractive I am. The responses have been overwhelmingly positive, but I know this is in part because a) my loved ones, understandably, may not want to hurt my feelings by telling me that I’m plain and/or ugly, and b) may find me more attractive than I am, strictly on a physical level, on account of my unbelievably infectious personality, wit, and charm. I mean, I can be quite fetching in person.

I could always, of course, post various pictures on my blog, but again: you, reader, are like a friend to me, and may therefore not want to hurt my feelings. Another possibility, of course, is that you, too, have become smitten with my literary personality, and therefore may subconciously find me more attractive than you would if you just, say, saw me walking down Main St with a neutral expression on my face.

So there was only one answer: hotornot.com. Below is the picture I submitted to the site. It's a graduation photo, from 18 months ago.


I was expecting something in the 8-9 range for the photo below this paragraph. I mean, I look pretty damn happy in this picture, I’m wearing make-up (which I usually don’t), my hair is fairly nice, and the photography was professionally done, with “beauty-enhancing” lighting, etc.

As of now, my score is 6.6, based on 425 votes, on a scale of 1-10 (not 0-10, as it should be).

Now, there are 4 major factors worth remembering:

1) I do not look this attractive, facially, usually.

2) My body is not in the picture, and my body is, in all honesty, about 5 lbs from perfection.

3) Girls who are scantily clad and in semi-sexually-suggestive poses tend to get higher ratings on hotornot.

4) Many people, including myself, do not always take a significant amount of time to consider each picture before voting. I, for example, have been super-guilty of repeatedly clicking “6”s just to get through pictures quicker. So there is a possibly high degree of randomness in many votes.

So how can we discover how attractive velcroed is?

Good question. And I have the answer.

I’m going to put up two new photos, one of the prototype perfectly beautiful female (let’s call her “Eve”), who is wearing no make-up, a neutral facial expression, and with her hair pulled back, with one of myself, following those same criteria. I will then take Eve’s score (which will be known as x) (which will probably be, like, 7 or 8, I suspect) and mark my new score (which will be known as y) out of whatever score Eve received, dividing y by x and multiplying by 10 to give me a tidy little number on a 0-10 scale (sidenote: whoever invented 1-10 scales is a moron).

I will keep you updated on how attractive I am, if you’d like.

P.S. Hilariously, the below (and, in my opinion, completely gorgeous) photo of Monique was rejected by the hotornot moderators, on account of her looking “under 18.” She’s turning 24 soon.