Mike (2)

[picture removed out of courtesy to the obssessee ]

I'm only going to leave this up for a couple of days. I shouldn't have it; I should not be displaying it in public; it is not mine to display, but still, I must. I have to do something, I need to testify in a manner both secret and public that there is something fucking beautiful about this man even if I'm the only one I can see it. I found it on facebook, via Marie. He looks deceptively young, almost innocent, in this photograph. He's (obviously?) the one on the right.

Look at his eyes and his smile. What is there, in them, that is so alarming? I can't pinpoint it. It's a hesitance, a serenity, a naturalness, a possible sweetness--but a sweetness that is rough around the edges. A sweetness that is vaguely insensitive and unself-conscious.

I think that Monique has mistaken his sincerity for meanness. He is lacking in sensitivity, but that is an extension, I think, of his sincerity. Authenticity is really fucking hard to come by these days. We don't know what to say when someone is absolutely blunt, refuses to sugar coat--for whom sugar coating is not even an option.

I've thought about him too much in the past 48 hours. It's awful. But the first time in, God, a year? More? I feel absolutely alive. It's almost manic. I have been so calm, so even, the past 12 months. And what is this based on? Some semi-drunken conversations, a few halted moments of superficial physical contact, some hidden signals in a random facebook photo? But still. It feels wonderful.